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Sunday, July 31, 2011
I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again xD
hellos (:
my brother's trying to convince me to download this maroon 5 song o.o he bought the album before the song was included as a normal truck rather than a bonus track.
and this is the second time he got cheated by them due to buying the albums too early o.o
no school tmrw wheee ;DD but the joy has been kinda suppressed due to lit exam on tuesday. the horror of having to study... after these round of exams i shall slack for a while, till the EYAs come .__.
hmm but i still have to go to school since i left my maths file containing the PPA and assignment in my locker .__. pfft what a waste of energy haha xD
well yep that's all, ciao~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 11:56 PM
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
was clearing my tagboard that's been overloaded by spam. i honestly wonder why i haven't deleted it yet o.o anws yeah found out who's been typing those nice messages, including the most recent one (thanks so much yeah :]) and who typed a mean one .__. i guess he/she thought i'd never know.
well cooled down a bit i guess :/ feels strange not going for mtdc o.o
i take back what i just said, i'm still angry .__. not at the tagboard person but at the person mentioned in the previous post.
hmm well i shall go do something now, tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:31 PM
this piercing feeling of disappointment and betrayal is gnawing at my already incomplete heart.
oh the animosity and frustration i feel when thinking of her.
to be truthful, i simply don't even know why i'm upset.
i guess i kind of expected it from her? but perhaps i just didn't want to believe she would do such a malicious thing. okay i'm sounding malicious myself too now, but i simply can't be bothered.
well a blog's supposed to be for me to pour out my inner feelings right?
hmm at least most of it.
why are people so competitive? honestly i have no idea what type of upbringing and childhood these people had that caused them to be this ruthless. if they're just that competitive they'll never know the true meaning of friendship.
who ditches a friend for grades? who goes behind her friend's back to do such spiteful things? and who tries to cover it up?
or perhaps i'm not even a friend in her eyes, since she doesn't know what the word means.
thanks yeah. it means a lot to me for teaching me that i can't trust you anymore. don't worry, i'll try not to make that mistake anymore, lest you feel even the slightest bit guilty, which i guess is something you haven't felt before either, seeing as you can do such ridiculous stuff without any hesitation.
hmm after rereading the above i think some people will misunderstand me to be talking about this person but actually it's not her. she's a pretty nice person actually (:
haha me and jingyin went to the library today and fell asleep on the beanbag. i woke up at 2.25 and seeing we were going to be late, SMACKED JINGYIN'S LEG AHAHAHAHA xD oh well it worked thou, she did wake up xD
okay that was awesome teehee :b
zomg honestly i think 207 rgco people are simply awesome ;DD oh wait that's only 3 people? well we're still just that great (: was having lunch with jingyin and jovin yesterday, and it was just awesome ;DD
tralalala i shall take my mind off the above person (: who cares if she's like that? i'll just work even harder in the upcoming stuff (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 6:21 PM
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
a large, heavy rock was lifted off my heart upon submitting my sip report. 2 continuous days of hard work and fatigue has finally come to an end (:
of course, that is, till the results come out and that feeling of dread washes over me like a waterfall.
went swimming just now, haven't swum in a week O: haha i think i'm getting arm muscles from swimming, not that feminine huh o.o
french exam is around a month from now. HORROR.
looked at my phone bill just now. skyrocketed through the roof .__.
hmm well yeah guess that's all, tata (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:25 PM
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
tomorrow's chinese exam and it's already 10 past my usual bedtime yet here i am posting this .__.
feeling kinda down today, what with sip report and lab book and some other weird stuff happening. sometimes i feel as though all my commitments and problems are pulling at one side of me at every single moment of the day, urging me to focus on them only. that could perhaps explain the reason why i'm simply unable to concentrate and focus nowadays.
oh the feeling of horror and sheer terror when i think of several things.
nowadays i don't even have the time to blog as much as i used to before. sometimes i feel like i'm taking up to much upon myself. sometimes i should simply take the backseat and let others steer me off to who-knows-where and hope that the journey will be smooth, that the ending will be peaceful.
but on the other hand sometimes i want to take the wheel. on certain occasions i feel obligated to do something just for me, and not for anyone else. when the sails of blissful happiness pass by me, it blocks away the all the worries. i don't have to worry about what others think, i don't have to think of how it will affect others, i don't have to focus on anyone but me. however, when that ship does pass, what was previously blocked emerges once again, and this time the feeling feels deeper and my heart feels heavier than ever.
why is it now we can't see, we can't feel, we can't think yet we want to do? 50 years down the road we'll be able to see, to feel, to think, but we will no longer be able to do it anymore.
i just want to have a green pasture in the distance, at least i'll have something to work towards. with that green pasture in view, then i'd hope for many signboards telling me the right way to go so that i won't fall. but i don't even have that green pasture. i'm simply wandering around listlessly, not knowing which direction to go.
after every setback, be it major or minor, though mostly minor i guess, i constantly tell myself not to feel disheartened, but to learn from the mistake. but why is it that i keep coming face to face with the same problem, and falling down the deep, dark hole, injuring myself further? i feel as though my life so far (yes it's probably like a bed of roses to certain people who don't even comprehend me) has simply been this giant wheel that keeps spinning round and round and the sequence of events constantly repeat itself. however, each time the giant wheel spins, it digs in even deeper into the ground, and the poor, sad ground loses part of itself after each cycle.
oh what the heck i've no time for this kind of soul-searching. i have a chinese exam tomorrow and i need to focus.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:32 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2011
lying through my teeth avoidinghaving to answer a sensitive question by giving answers partially irrelevant to the situation.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
i typed this out at midnight but didn't post it till now .__.
yes this is my weird method of avoiding an awkward issue. yet it has opened my eyes to how unhappy many people are to negative feedback, or perhaps it's simply how there seems to be no bond strong enough to withstand the tention without snapping when one bluntly tells another what she thinks.
i know i should be grateful that she cared enough to ask, but somehow it had the reverse effect and simply put, i feel more unhappy with that person for not comprehending what i was hinting at the whole time. okay she probably did, a bit, but it had the wrong focus. or once again, on the other hand, it could simply be me not making myself clear enough.
communication
what a dull word yet with crucial importance in every human relationship. it's an art that's so hard to master but a gift that brings two people closer.
was talking to a few people yesterday when i realised that many things i saw are never registered in their minds. i have no idea why or how people can easily disregard important information being disseminated to them. okay i know i'm guilty of this too, but that doesn't make this problem any easier to comprehend.
oh never mind i shall put aside what i said yesterday, it was meant for you all, but i'm sure you'll never be able to accept the facts and face it, therefore i shall once again, give irrelevant answers.
thanks for doing something and merely thinking of your own benefits and forgetting the true and main objective of it which is to be beneficial for another.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 4:56 PM
Friday, July 22, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Oh my goodness I somehow detest all the ambient fake pretensions going on.
Oh hmm did I mention you're doing all these for the wrong reasons with the wrong intentions?
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:44 PM
still feeling nostalgic over harry potter :/
i dont care if people say the movie wasn't good, or that it wasn't dramatic enough or whatever. personally, i feel they should simply pay some respects to the movie series that has lasted 10 long years. people my age have known of the movies since we were at the young age of 4, and if one cannot bring herself to feel even a minuscule bit of sadness and emptiness, i honestly don't think they have a soul. okay, perhaps they didn't grow up with harry potter like i did, that i don't mind. but if they did, unless they seriously thought it was a horrendous series from the beginning, they should give it due respect.
reminiscing snippets of the harry potter movies have left me standing alone on an island wishing i had an admission letter to hogwarts and a broom to fly there.
hmm wells enough rambling on on harry potter lest i start tearing again.
meeting jingyin tomorrow for breakfast haha xD epic zomg (:
hmm today = not such an awesome day :/ well hmm yeahs so that's all tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:40 PM
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
nostalgia
somehow realised during class that i hadn't done a lot of my hbl work. partly due to my blurness pfft .__. lit + maths = horror X:
accidentally zi-hai in front of a teacher today why do i have to constantly burst into a state of wistfulness and social unconsciousness?
oh and speaking of that, i started crying during philo group discussion today after rambling to my group on harry potter :/ the teacher was kind enough to point me out at the end of the lesson by saying class can you get back to your seats and stop the chitchatting... and the crying over harry potter mehehehe *sadistic laugh*. POOFYPOOPOPFFFT.
anws better start chionging work now bishhh no mood. and i honestly had no idea that geog pt prep was tomorrow, and how does one prep and consult the teacher if she hasn't even started?
hmm well that was a rhetorical question so guess i now have to go chiong geog pt too tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 6:14 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
i simply cant stop thinking about the harry potter movie after watching it yesterday. scenes of the movie are constantly resonating louder than ever in my mind, leading my brain activity to come to an abrupt standstill.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:00 PM
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
i honestly believe that i'm turning into this misanthropic, pessimistic person who constantly thinks too deep into things.
in this place i strangely don't feel appreciated or acknowledged. okay perhaps i'm actually not doing enough or even if i try it's not useful. but recently i feel like that feeling of appreciation and gratitude from others is what keeps me going on. the smiles of the children in kidsREAD actually makes me look forward to it every single week (:
okay now that i'm thinking of kidsREAD let me bring the topic away from one that was supposed to be self-reflecting to one that is idyllically happy and delightful (:
maybe last week i wasn't that enthusiastic yet, but after this week i honestly think kidsREAD is awesome (: oh my goodness this child was constantly asking me to sit next to him haha! somehow being with children makes me feel so happy and hyper (: zomg maybe i'll go be a pediatrician or something (:
teehee FUN.
okay i'm smiling all over now simply thinking about kidsREAD (: looking forward to next week's session! (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:20 PM
sl in the morning - woke up really early for it
mtdc in the afternoon - missed lunch for it
(supposedly) gift debrief after mtdc - simply too tired to go
okay fine perhaps when people see this they may go - lol not tiring what and you still say you're tired you spoilt bratty moron. but oh my goodness if you spend your morning with children who are somehow, idk why, more hyper than gift children, and have to cheer up a crying child, solve this 'dispute' between two children because one bit the other, etc etc other things children do, i'm pretty sure by the time you go for mtdc you'll be drained of all your energy.
mtdc was fun i guess, but honestly really tiring. and because of it i ended up missing lunch, and still i was late :/ haiz.
wanted to go for gift but was simply too tired and hungry so just went home. i honestly have no idea whether i'm ever gonna have the energy for gift on saturdays. or if i'll just end up not coming for even one session.
and lately there's been this feeling of ___ that stops me :/
well watching hp 7 in 3d later, if i end up falling asleep in the cinema i'm gonna slap myself. ciao~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 5:43 PM
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
HANDOVER
ginteng i know you're gonna read this someday haha, well hear goes (:
shan't post details of what happened in handover today, just that what i felt was an entirely different feeling o.o
there's such a big difference between saying
"the seniors are leaving"
and
"the seniors have left"
for the first statement, there's just somehow this thinking that they at least have a few more days, hours, minutes, seconds before they really do leave, and this thought keeps you going on, but for the latter statement, somehow reality just comes crashing down and you realse the seniors have really left, and are no longer leading everyone again :/ gosh this feeling is simply nauseating and distressing :/
haiz i'll really miss batch'11 a lot, i know it probably sounds cliched and repetitive to others, but yeah, i have nothing to rebut since it's simply the truth :/
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:55 PM
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
taking a break from chinese homework to blog this o.o
zomg i just dont like the way people keep thinking i have it really easy and that i'm just some bratty person who rants all day long even though her life is supposedly perfect .__. i mean i'm not saying my life sucks and i have the hardest life of everyone in the world, but i do know that i'm not the happiest person in the world either. i'm aware of the fact that that's probably due to my pessimistic and misanthropic nature and mindset, but who ever said that mindset was easy to change to? it's our experiences that shape how we think, and from what happened since october to now, ... let's just say i don't trust people as much as i used to :/ and besides, who ever said i post everything on my blog? not all problems go up here, so don't judge me if you don't even know the full story of what i'm feeling and going through at this point of time. perhaps to others it may seem petty and obscure, but some things matter a lot to me, even if no one understands why.
sometimes when people who have loads more time and fewer commitments than me complain to me about being stressed out, i keep thinking they dont know the meaning of stress. i'm not saying that i've been through a lot of stress before, but i do know that what i, or that person, am going through is nowhere near the true meaning of stress.
this isn't exactly a ranting post but more of a self-reflecting post i guess :/ if i were to list out all the flaws i believe i have, the list would go on and on. i dont see this as having low self-esteem or no confidence, but more of acknowledging my bad points and accepting it while at the same time trying to improve myself.
i miss my primary school life a lot :/ on monday me and someone were reminiscing about our primary school life and we came to the same conclusion - that it was simply a lot better than now :/ i know, we're now more mature and sensitive, we notice more, we rebel more, we get upset more. i guess that's all part of growing up, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. letting go isn't as easy as merely letting hold of your grip over a stress ball, or even just a tissue paper. i keep telling myself i should forget about it, but of course that's kinda tough right :/
i actually think my life's pretty smooth, or perhaps my criteria of 'rough', 'rocky' and 'tough' is just too high, but i sometimes feel ashamed when i see others having things tougher than me. actually it depends more on our resilience level i guess. someone in my shoes may simply face a bad examination score, whereas someone in an ledc may be having trouble surviving. i know it sucks to think about right. experiences define us, it makes us stronger and tougher. we look back at our mistakes and laugh over it, even though it actually isn't even a laughing matter. we go through more, we cope better with more. well that actually makes sense to me o.o
okay i think i'm pretty much going around in circles. i know what i'm thinking but i'm simply not good at translating it into words. so much for taking literature next year haha (: speaking of which, we have to choose our subject combis soon. i'm still in a dilemma :/
well i guess that's it, back to chinese homework (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:05 PM
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
listening to different versions of 十面埋伏 played by several awesome pipa players. i don't think i'll ever come close to being able to play half as well as them :/
i'm kinda screwed for my solo right :/ especially since i found out it's at the same place, same date as last year's horror event O:
happy thoughts happy thoughts o.o
2 free blocks in school today - awesome right ;DD haha so spent it studying with jingyin, but of course we were constantly disrupted by many things, which included our own digression teehee :b
geog and maths ppa tomorrow X: sheer terror O: why on earth do they have to put to two subjects i'm the most scared of on the same day D: oh darn i dont even know the full exam schedule, i'm not sure whether maths or geog comes first hmm asked around today but forgot the answers my classmates gave o.o
first gift session this saturday! (that i wont be able to go for) zomg this feels kinda sad D: kidsREAD is awesome, but it's just not the same as gift :/ during kidsREAD session i was constantly reminded of gift. gift somehow feels like this organisation where everything somehow seems to flow really well :/ it's not as structured as kidsREAD or anything, but that doesn't make it any less awesome :/ haiz i'll miss gift, especially during this semester when i won't be able to come for sessions that much :/ i keep telling myself i'll rush for debriefs, but i'm already busy enough as it is, and tired too. i dont think constantly rushing around is a good idea for me :/ and as for missing ___ to come for gift sessions, my parents don't seem to approve and i think that's quite a bad idea too since it seems pretty indecent and mean of me to forgo ___ once in a while to go for gift sessions :/
haiz :/
hmm wells yep that's all, shall take a short nap now, really sleepy *yawns*
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 4:36 PM
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
mass rambling session to chee yang. started off with me saying why i felt like an outsider in ___, then why i think i have no appetite to eat for the second time, and ended with me pretty much yelling what i felt about _______ to chee yang. result: tears.
i hate crying okay i can't stand crying every single time something bad blows up, but sometimes i just cant help it. who wants a friend who leaves her standing alone in the middle of nowhere left with nothing, without even realising she was the one who took everything away.
i'm just so hurt and angry and disappointed now. it's like this big huge wave that's come thrashing onto the shore and swept all the sand back into the ocean. i can't focus or even think of anything but her and what she did to me. this waterfall of emotions are constantly banging in my mind, giving me this huge and horrible headache. the teeth of disappointment and hurt gnawing in my heart.
i know my english has been horrible throughout this entire post but i just dont care anymore.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:40 PM
first nap i've taken this entire week. feel really refreshed yet more nervous and scared now that i know i have 2 hours less of time to finish the truckload of homework i've been dumped with :/
no appetite to eat dinner :/ and that's weird since i missed lunch yesterday too since i had no appetite then either o.o
i typed out an email to send to chinese teacher about submitting homework late, but then idk why i stoned at the page for so long, and in the end deleted the email without sending :/
anws yeah that's all, back to work now, tata.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:30 PM
i'm freaking pissed with you now. due to your incompetence in doing even the simplest of task, i ended up doing all your stupid and dirty work. i left some work undone so you would do it, but in the end due to your incompetence in doing another simple task, me and a few others had to do it for you once again. and then you came boldly, taking all our effort as yours, pretending what we did was your work, taking it all as your own without even acknowledging us. you just came in as though you were the centre of the universe, picked up our work and started acting as though you did it all by yourself. you didn't even have the courtesy to give a simple apology or even say a simple thanks.
oh and you know what else happened? i realised you didn't even care enough to stay updated on what's going on. and when you found something out, you refused to accept it as you had your own plans. i'm sorry, i also dont want to do what i said we had to as i still have yet to catch up on all the sleep i lost doing your crap.
reason why i didn't blog yesterday - she left me with too much of her stupid work to do
reason why i feel stupid blogging now - i have too much of my own work undone to do.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 4:51 PM
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
pfft what the heck why do i feel like i'm taking to much upon myself once again? this always happens during ___ assignments :/ idk if it's really happening or if i'm just being... paranoid i guess :/
mtdc was super tiring today O: chionged dinner with tricia, gek yee and wan ying zomg haha epic xD
pfft anyways that's pretty much all i really feel like sleeping but i have to look for something :/ well tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 11:36 PM
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
zomg zomg tiring today O:
yet i feel strangely happy and hyper now teehee :b must be the endorphins from swimming just now (:
currently doing english oral zomg heard some groups finished their ppt already O:
currently doing english oral zomg heard some groups finished their ppt already O:
got back our mye french paper today O: zomg better than expected ;DD except my listening compre and redaction is screwed as usual .__. siannn why can't i write and listen properly o.o
hmm well yeah that's pretty much all, tralala byebyes (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:15 PM
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
zomg sleepy now shall blog tomorrow :X
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 11:09 PM
Monday, July 4, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
pfft don't you just detest the feeling when you know you've done so much and put in your best effort yet this certain group of people with supposed higher authority, advantage or something, simply put, thinks you don't give a crap :/ and also you go through so much sadness and misery yet people who don't even know the full story claim you are one happy-go-lucky person and for some reason portrays you in a bad way? maybe they dislike you or whatever, and you know you're not supposed to care yet you can't help it? oh man this just sucks :/
listening to the lion king soundtrack now haha (: IT'S AWESOME ;DD positively one of the best movies ever made (:
well yeah that's all byebyes (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 11:52 AM
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
1200th post! ;DD
awesome to see such progress in my blog post count ;DD
zomg my wrist is kinda injured now D: painful when it's at an angle or something (zomg my command of english is like .__. now) pfft so now it's wrapped up in some plaster. not serious thou teehee :b
didnt blog yesterday D:
mtdc yesterday zomg there was this part where everyone was not supposed to play cos it was a kongpai for all, but then this happy pipa-er, ME, somehow continued playing zomg idk what was wrong with me O: then everyone looked at me and i just said, sorry paiseh *waves hands around in apology and embarrassment* and everyone just laughed O:
today was okay i guess zomg went out for dinner and i'm still so full now haha xD went for a haircut too zomg my hair looks so short and feels so light haha xD
well that's all zomg tired tired and my wrist hurts tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:44 PM
Friday, July 1, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
put off something really important for this person and now he decides that hes too busy and happily ditches us. oh whee now i just found out it's too late for me to do that something already. you could always have told me hmm say 15 days early?
finally found someone who faces exactly one of the biggest problem i'm facing too O: wow spent like one hour talking to her today haha xD zomg felt amazing finally letting out everything i felt and all my worries and stuff to someone who really understands O: our problems are just so similar that i'm amazed zomg O: never expected that me and her could actually relate to each other well (:
thanks for that long and wonderful conversation we had today haha (:
arts fest performance today was... interesting i guess o.o i guess there was this surge of emotions in rgco since it was our last performance with batch'11 :/ it was our last time playing hua mulan too :/ right after the performance i suddenly felt that there was no more goal that rgco could work towards. syf over, arts fest over. and there's only a couple of days left till handover :/ i expected to be relieved since now we dont have to prac that intensively till concert but i guess i didnt even feel a glimmer of that relief :/
while playing hua mulan i guess i got kinda distracted when realisation that this would be the last performance the syf batch would be having together dawned upon me :/ in parts of hua mulan i suddenly felt kinda emotional :/ hearing the entire orchestra make such awesome music with the sec 4s was awesome (: it wouldn't have been that awesome without them (:
rgco batch'11 i'm gonna miss you guys so much and i seriously hate that 2 year gap between us since that means i'm not gonna see you guys in rijc D: but this journey with you guys has honestly been an awesome one, and it's one i'm sure i'll remember forever.
rgco good job (:
well yeah i guess that's pretty much all that happened today, tired now, tata (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 11:16 PM