Whisper.
escapeeees
107'10 // 207'11%. Cheryl Chong #1
%. Cheryl Chong #2
%. Jing Yin
%. Melissa
%. Nicole Chia
%. Samantha
%. Sherby
%. Yong Ling
non-sch friends (:
%. Audrey Ngo
%. Jian Da
%. Ningkun
%. Yong Quan
6I'09
%. Cedric
%. Cheryl Hsien
%. Chi Hui
%. Clarissa Phuan
%. Eunice
%. Jia Min
%. Marc
%. Mingxin
%. Vanessa Goh
%. Victoria
%. Wan Qing
%. Yi Ling
%. Zac
5I'08
%. Astrid
%. Audrey
%. Clarissa Sung
%. Jacqueline
%. Jia Xuan
%. Lynn #1
%. Lynn #2
%. Sara
%. Tiffany
%. Yi Xiu
4A'07; 3F'06, non classmates
%. Charmaine
%. Cheyenne
%. Elizabeth
%. Gek Yee
%. Hui Shan
%. Jia Han
%. Natasha
%. Mindez
%. Nicole
%. Qin Yu
%. Chee Yang
%. Shirley
%. Tze Yen
%. Vivienne
%. Wen Li
%. Weinie
%. Xin Yi
%. Yen Yee
%. Yeo Min
%. Yi Yan
others
%. 5I'08 Class Blog
%. 6I'09 Class Blog
%. 6I'09 Reunion Blog
%. Testing blogskins
Archives.
Credits.
x-Bunny.
x-Bunny. Blog..
100% scientifically proven in suchenland
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Feel entirely drained of my energy after CCAO :/ Came for the entire day even though my shift was only at 3.30-4. But ohwells, got to talk with some CO-ers and mess around with drums xD And that feeling that I contributed to CO is simply (Y) (:
Anyways too tired to do anything now pfft :/ First day of school tomorrow o.o
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:03 PM
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Gift camp and MTDC BBQ over the last 5 days, how much more awesome could it get? (:
Gift camp turned out better than I expected ;DD Guess I expected to be left out half the time since I didn't come for sessions for the last semester :/ But zomg the gifters are just so friendly ahaha xD It started off kinda awkward, with silly random games but after a while it got better (: Woah there are now like 8 new hwachong volunteers o.o 4 of them have come for sessions before though heh (:
Amazing race was awesome (Y) Shobana + Kai Ren + Qiwei + Amirin + Weikiat + me = FLYING VEGETABLES~ Actually none of us has any idea as to whether it's flying vegetables, veggies, vegetarians or whatnot xD Our tie dye shirts were probably the worst too, since we just anyhow folded and tied the shirts xD That's our charm yozzz~ But our group seemed the slackest, after lunch we were all too lazy to look for the next checkpoint so we just stood around and called for help. Even after we found out the name of the place, we still decided to troll another lost group. In the end the facil at that checkpoint called us to ask where we were xD Ohwells we went from 1st place, to last, and finished 3rd ;DD
The last night of camp is always the awesomest ;DD Some people jumped into the pool, whereas I just sat at the side and laughed at them xD After that a few of us sat down to talk, and idk why we had to include Hao Yu's blanket o.o Everyone ended up snatching the blanket. And the way we play truth or dare is by throwing a pillow with a face up and see where the tongue on the face is pointing at o.o We're creative, I know xD But I guess the night ended with a conversation between a few volunteers and me (: Peaceful zomg, compared to the past 2 camps I've attended xD Me and Hao Yu were the first two to wake up. I think I slept the shortest, barely 1 hour ><
Gift camp (Y) Parting is such sweet sorrow :/ Hope session next semester will be awesome ;DD
MTDC BBQ was awesome too ;DD Met up with a few people in the morning to get some equipment, then afterwards went over to ECP for the BBQ, guess it started out rough but it got better in the end ;DD Zomg I'd elaborate more but I'm too tired now >< Maybe another time? (:
Currently suffering from post superduperawesomefun syndrome. Feeling down and depressed the whole day :/ Anyways, that's all, au revoir~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 6:09 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I only have 10 minutes to write this post, so here goes (:
Yesterday didn't really turn out as awesome as I expected, but I'm glad most of the people enjoyed it, so yeah (: But it was worth it seeing everyone again haha (:
Reached home around 10+ last night, and having not slept well the night before, I guess I came home with extreme fatigue and wanted to plop onto my bed and drift off to wonderland, only to be greeted by an angry bird stuffed toy under my blankets ;DD Awwsh so sweet of my parents, and they got the angry bird of my favourite colour (:
If I'm this tired after being out past 10, then I have simply no idea what's gonna happen to me at gift camp o.o
This thought brings me back to memories of gift. Was rereading my post last year on the first ever gift camp I attended. My English was way horrible, my style of writing was childish and immature, but the content was really awesome (: I came back from gift camp really happy and excited (: I made loads of new friends there and I had an awesome time (: I still remember how Manisha, Hui Yun and Qiwei were able to stay awake for the whole of the last day despite only having less than 30 mins of sleeping xD Genius heh. But I guess that's the charm of the gifters (: There was also a drunkard Ding Feng stumbling around his room and finally falling down and going to sleep (:
Then I moved on to reading the post about the first few gift sessions I had. I realised I seemed to have this respect and admiration for the senior volunteers. Nothing wrong with that, considering how awesome they are in many aspects (: There was this Saturday, where after session some people went to jp and they treated me to lunch and got me and Foong Chuan a birthday cake. That afternoon in the open space under the pavilion, I can still remember it. It's probably the time I felt the closest to the gifters (:
I know there was a point of time where I felt so much animosity towards gift, I felt left out, unwelcomed, and simply not a part of the awesome society I had come to love. But things are different now, I have no idea who or what changed, but I know that gift is something I want in my life. I chose not to try out for several leadership positions because of gift, and I wouldn't change that decision even if I had the chance to.
Next year, my Saturdays will be devoted to gift and my SL (:
~Excited for gift camp (: ~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 11:17 AM
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Seeking refuge and solace in my blog which is (somewhat) more private and deserted than facebook in fear that I have a sudden outburst of anger there that pisses everyone off.
Honestly can't stand it when someone goes out of her way to annoy the guts out of you. I guess people would say perhaps her intentions weren't so, and I may be wrong, but I really think everything she did to me since that day was really targeted at making me reach my boiling point and ultimately having me explode with vexation. And as much as I hate to admit, she succeeded.
Since that day, she's been cold towards me. The intimacy and friendship between us was replaced by awkwardness and animosity. It improved a bit at a point of time, but recently it's once again become worse. From my point of view, I didn't do anything wrong, I was fulfilling my responsibilities, but it's difficult considering there's a fierce dog breathing down my neck. But of course my view is biased, and perhaps I did make a huge mistake somewhere. But I can't deny that she had a part in this too. And now she's perhaps intentionally working me up, getting me more and more stressed. I have a small sense as to what her ultimate motive is, but I dare not say it. It sucks knowing how jealousy and all these politics can affect this previously close friendship. I don't know if I would have reacted as she did if our roles had been reversed.
Haish anyways, shouldn't dwell on it, so yeah, tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 3:46 PM
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Met this person yesterday that served as a serious eye-opener for me O: Shan't elaborate though, since it's about somebody else I'd feel like I'm revealing information that should be kept discreet o.o
Went shopping for my MTDC clothes today o.o It was only this morning that I realised my jeans were dark blue and not black. Awesome right, I'm so attentive to detail .__. So yeah, got my black shirt and jeans, and my pipa teacher somehow keeps insisting on me wearing those puffy puffy dresses for my solo, but since I couldn't find a suitable one I just gave up and went home, not as if I wanted to wear one anyways o.o
So yeah, after the entire afternoon, I came back with a black shirt, black jeans, and a lowered self-esteem. Pfft .__.
SJ COMING TO SINGAPORE TODAYYYY! ;DD
Kyahh zomg wish I could be at the airport to welcome them, but supposedly the security there's really tight so VIPs exit through some separate and private gate which means fans won't be able to see them until they're out of the airport I think o.o
Kyahh zomg wish I could be at the airport to welcome them, but supposedly the security there's really tight so VIPs exit through some separate and private gate which means fans won't be able to see them until they're out of the airport I think o.o
Haish :/
But still,
SUPERJUNIOR <3
Was constantly spazzing over ukiss's Japanese debut MV preview at MTDC yesterday o.o When I replay the memory (it's a bit blur though, must've done it... unconsciously?) in my head, I feel super embarrassed zomg O:
Anws that's all, ciao~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 5:50 PM
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
MTDC training camp from 9-5 for the past 3 days. Zomg why do I feel so tired, as tired as that week when I came home past 10 every single day without my afternoon naps :/ Pfft .__.
Can't believe it's only 10 days till I graduate from MTDC, yet I feel like I learnt nothing and neither did I make many new friends :/ Anti-social me I know, but haiz, still can't get rid of that feeling of chagrin that's driving me nuts :/
Guess my solo's confirmed :/ The teacher doesn't seem to have any intention of cancelling me o.o On the other hand, whether or not the solo goes well depends on myself, and that kinda adds on to the countless burdens on my shoulders already. Speaking of which, I'm in dire need of a massage now, gahh too much tension on my back :/
Honestly really worried about it :/ Some people keep telling me not to worry, and that I play awesome enough, but sometimes I get the hunch that these words weren't said with 100% goodwill harboured towards me, and that it's just that people don't dare to tell me the truth :/ On the other hand, some of them haven't exactly heard me play before so I doubt they know what's going on :/
Haven't pracced much this year, and I feel really guilty about it :/ If anything goes wrong, I'll only have myself to blame pfft .__. Just hope that I can look back without feeling to terrible :/
Too tired to even think of praccing now. Shall go back to sleep after dinner, ciao~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 7:28 PM
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Last SL session for the year today. I guess this probably served as another reminder that the year's ending, with one of my usual Saturday routines ending today :/
Somehow I feel like I learnt quite a lot from this experience too, no offence, but somehow I think I learnt a little bit more from here than from Gift :/ I honestly felt a stronger bond with these children, probably because they come more frequently (: SL is really awesome, and I can't believe it's ending for the year :/ (Crap my brother just had to start playing some sad-sounding song at this moment .__.) Teared a bit while the certificates were being given out :/ With these children, I don't have to put up ostentatious images, I can simply be myself. Their innocence and childlike existence really makes me reflect on the pessimistic and misanthropic person I've become, and honestly, I really feel guilty whenever I compare myself with them :/
I sometimes see a part of my younger self in these children, and I don't want them to grow up to become like me, but rather someone better. More courageous and open towards new ideas, more optimistic, more people-centered. It somehow sucks realising that not many of my friends really know me, and I don't even feel natural around some of them. I think my actions in school kinda screwed my relationship with some people, whether or not they choose to admit it, and I really feel guilty. These children are able to interact with one another in such a happy and joyful way, no bad thoughts whatsoever, so animosity in between any 2 children, and definitely no hatred. Even towards us volunteers, or 'teachers', they treat us as their equal, they talk to us and play with us.
Spoke to one child's mom today, and I really hope that child does really well in primary school and gets into an awesome secondary school (: Hopefully he'll have a bright future ahead, and I'd like to think that I met him when he was young (: I wish the same for all the children I've met in SL, and I hope this wish does come true (:
Good luck to all of them ;DD
Mr Yeo also came today, was kinda surprised, but ohwells, really appreciate it (: It seems like he's really involved in loads of community work. Maybe he's like my brother, someone who sincerely cares about helping others and goes out of his way to do so (: Mrs T usually talks about her involvements in this particular field of community work, and maybe I'll consider following her there (: Bottom line is, I wanna do more than what I'm doing now (:
Got this "Most Inspiring Volunteer" award thingum, and I'm guessing Carlie gave it to me just because I'm the leader of the group. While talking to her today I got the feeling that she prefers the previous batch of volunteers to us, and I really feel guilty and abashed since I'm supposed to be the leader yet we weren't good enough, probably my fault there :/
Haiz, it sucks feeling like you did so much yet achieved nothing :/
Gonna continue SL next year and make sure we do better (:
----------------------
SS4 IS HAPPENING NOW ZOMGGGGG I WANNA BE THERE DFHLKSDFWEUHTKJCNVMXLOAWER CANT HELP SPAZZING WHEN I THINK OF IT KYAHHHH
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:25 PM
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Find it really hard to believe that my journey with 207 is ending tomorrow. All the dismal and sadness of this thought swells up in me. I know I may have been a sucky vice-chair, and perhaps I angered many people, but still, what I feel towards 207 can't be described in words. The feeling of being part of 207, is simply remarkable.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Cried for the billionth time after watching the class video.
We're special in many ways.
Being the class which rarely wins any inter-class competitions (I think only around 3 so far?), and the class that is totally not bonded and pretty much almost nobody brings food for class parties. Oh and what happens in class parties? Everyone sits around in their cliques and ignores others. All these may sound bad, but that's unequivocally 207. It's these things that make 207 the class it is.
Better stop now before tears overwhelm me :/
I love you 207 (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 7:53 PM
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
5 years down the road, I'm gonna look back at 7 November 2011, and I'm gonna remember being accepted for History RA and rejecting it (after a lot of internal struggle though).
And I'm either gonna slap myself or heave a sigh of relief at the decision.
As for Geography,
I really hope I don't regret going in depth into the subject I love so much at this moment.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 6:27 PM
I wish I was good at Science.
I honestly can't decide on my subject combi, so I guess I've just gone with what everyone's telling to take.
It sucks not knowing what I really want, whether I wanna pursue a career in Science, or maybe I'll just be an accountant. I haven't even decided what I want to take in JC two years from now. I don't have my priorities sorted out.
And about having to drop History. It just drives a stake through my heart (cliched phrase, I know). It sucks, letting go of something you love so much. Getting into History RA doesn't help either. I love History, and I'm not all that bad at it either. But still I'm gonna drop it just to take a safer combination.
Just rambled on and on to my brother about my I love History, and I suddenly forgot what I was talking about o.o So yeah, hmm that's all? I honestly can't remember my thought process now. Ohwells, tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:51 AM
Friday, November 4, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Farewell Sec 4s :/
Yesterday was rgco farewell and today was Sec 4 graduation :/
I just can't bear to think that this is probably gonna be the last time we see the Sec 4s around in school in rg uniforms, the last time I'll see this batch during assemblies, the last time they'll be there to guide us :/
Last year I could never comprehend what the big deal was, but this year I understood.
I remember during rgco farewell last year, I didn't exactly know many of the seniors, and neither was I close to them :/ When Michelin cried I was wondering how someone could actually feel so much towards a CCA.
But this year I've cried loads for rgco. SYF, handover, and now farewell.
Such different feelings :/
Last year Sec 4 graduation was merely a place where everyone performed and I, as a Sec 1, just clapped and enjoy the display. But this year...
I just can't bear to think that this is probably gonna be the last time we see the Sec 4s around in school in rg uniforms, the last time I'll see this batch during assemblies, the last time they'll be there to guide us :/
I'm gonna miss having this wonderful and adorable batch around to liven the atmosphere and cheer me up whenever I go to prac with a sour face :/
Like Laura said in her speech, it's the small things we'll miss.
And now it's also our turn to step up and be seniors :/ I'll try my best, for the seniors, for this awesome bubbly batch (':
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:31 PM
Really feeling ambivalent about my subject combination :/
Trip science geog, or physics chem hist geog, or bio chem hist geog?
I mean I wasn't that willing to take trip science but it kinda makes the most sense to take it. And after the interviews on Tuesday I suddenly realised that I simply love history because it reminded me of everything I loved about history and that I had wanted to take it since P4. Just made me aware that I'm not willing and neither am I ready to drop history now :/ But if I were to take history then I'm not sure if I should drop bio or physics :/ I prefer physics, but I'm not sure if my dislike towards bio is because of ____ or simply the subject itself :/ And if I take history too, I'm not sure if I should take up history RA :/
WHY'S IT SO DARN HARD TO DECIDE?
Desperately went around asking for help and advice today :/
But thanks loads to those who listened to my rambling and helped me ;DD
Haiz :/ Shall go find something to take my thoughts off this :/ Ciao~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 6:31 PM
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Been a long time since I last posted anything yeah o.o
Yesterday was simply awesome and I keep replaying what happened over and over again (: AWESOME ;DD
Yesterday was simply awesome and I keep replaying what happened over and over again (: AWESOME ;DD
I'm afraid my current impression of ____ may wear off, and I may suddenly be angered by it once again, but ohwells, shall busk in the present (:
I think my hopes of going for this event are pretty much screwed and non-existent pfft .__.
Sec 4 farewell this Thurs :/
Dinner now, tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:03 PM
Friday, October 21, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Oh my goodness I can't stand it whenever a nice day is ruined by someone .__. I mean, if you don't even know what's going on because you don't bother to ask, then quit assuming that everything I do is all wrong.
Today was kinda screwed though, so I guess what just happened simply amplified my annoyance at everything today .__.
Thanks yeah, appreciate your help for angering me loads.
Whenever people just assume the worst of me I'll feel this sudden urge to talk back. But of course, some people never see reason and doing so will probably make things worse .__. So nonetheless, I simply shut up and let them piss me off even if that's stressing me up every other moment.
I'm sick of having to post all these without mentioning who the person is even though if the person were to read it I'm sure it's pretty obvious who I'm talking about. But yeah, once again people will assume the worst, confront me, and piss me off all over again.
The one of the few fun thing that's keeping me happy and energised daily is being screwed by that person. Screw off.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:57 PM
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Pffft .__. Today's papers were :/
Okay history hmm guess it was impossible for me to get a 4.0 since it was screwed all along because of history PT. So seeing as I was at least able to maintain my EYA score from last year I felt kinda satisfied (: But yeah, overall no 4.0, which was what I got last year :/ Haish for last year and this year I screwed the PT. Guess that's what's been bringing my grades down? Ohwells, at least now I know where I'm weak, and I shall work to improve (: Doesn't matter if I didn't do as well as last year overall, at least I maintained for some components and I shall work harder to improve those that I'm weak in (:
Literature POOF. First essay was alright but the second one was... *cough* And I got the second essay back first so when I was super disappointed o.o But can't say I didn't expect it, since I know really well I can't do lit for nuts sometimes. Hee recently I keep saying 'for nuts' since I heard Nicole Yee saying it all the time xD
Literature POOF. First essay was alright but the second one was... *cough* And I got the second essay back first so when I was super disappointed o.o But can't say I didn't expect it, since I know really well I can't do lit for nuts sometimes. Hee recently I keep saying 'for nuts' since I heard Nicole Yee saying it all the time xD
French *facepalm* deteriorated from last year :/ But haha was quite lucky that I bothered to look through my marks carefully else I wouldn't have spotted an error in the marking xD Zomg for once I didn't almost fail or fail my redaction ;DD And the even better part is that I wrote about my EVER-SO-AWESOME IDOL <3 Hahaha must be my lucky star (Y) Zomg was super high in the room haha was talking with Dom and Alicia about weird stuff and laughing at each other's idols o.o At first I thought Dom had written about Barney but actually she didn't o.o
Whee the post-EYA period is super awesome ;DD For the last 3 days we've been having loads of free time in between activities and we get to slack ahaha awesome right xD But over the next few weeks it's gonna be busier haiz :/
Well yeps that's all, piano lesson soon, and after that I'll go take a nap (Y) Tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 5:39 PM
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
In the midst of getting back all my papers. 2 more subjects to go, not including Philo and French.
My dad came back from China today (: His phone call at the airport woke me up from my awesome nap xD
Spent quite a long time at CityLink Mall with Jing Yin trying to figure out where some shop was. It was kinda like a last minute decision since that shop's also in Somerset but yeah hmm was at City Hall when I suddenly remembered it was at CityLink too o.o Turns out it wasn't though, for a really stupid reason .__.
Haha I simply love these 2 little bright shining lights in my life at this moment <3 Okay one is actually not all that good but ohwells if it makes me happy then I'll savour it (:
Zomg feeling really sleepy now despite having taken afternoon naps and sleeping in class during that weird weird research test thingum o.o Must be due to sleeping too much during the break last week xD
Well yeah that's all shall go play or something now, tata~
Zomg feeling really sleepy now despite having taken afternoon naps and sleeping in class during that weird weird research test thingum o.o Must be due to sleeping too much during the break last week xD
Well yeah that's all shall go play or something now, tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:35 PM
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
This couldn't wait till later in the day. I just woke up 10 minutes ago overwhelmed with emotions and I simply can't take bottling it all up inside.
But speaking of character, they don't even know me so it won't matter even if I'm a total bitch who just goes there to spite others will it?
I guess I was never used to admitting to myself or anyone that I felt alone or left out, and perhaps another reason for this is that I haven't felt that way in a long time. Or even if I had before, it wasn't so severe.
But in this certain place now,
I don't think I ever felt this left out.
At the beginning of last year I didn't really have any friends considering I went to a new school and somehow refused to have a clique since I wanted a bonded class but in the end that was a mistake as everyone found their own cliques and I was one huge step behind. But after that two people welcomed me, and yeah, I was happy then (: In rgco for a point of time I thought the seniors were aloof and that some of my batchmates were filled with animosity towards me, but that all changed with 2 people (: I guess I've changed close friends many times over the years, and that's usually because our outlooks in life are just so different.
In these two scenarios, I didn't have to make the first step, or even if I did, I simply lifted my foot, and others came to support me when I was on the verge on stumbling and they helped me through my first step and guided me through an even longer journey.
I keep wondering why on earth I putting so much effort into that place mentioned above. Yesterday I barely ate anything since the morning (yes I missed lunch and breakfast .__.) and still went there only to be greeted with an apathetic welcome. Subsequently I didn't even leave together with them, and in the end I barely spoke 10 words to them, whereas they barely spoke 5 words to me. I mean of course some people were friendly and I really appreciate it, but the others...
Since when have I been the one to make the first step? I never ever took the initiative to do anything.
And yes, that's probably a huge flaw in my character.
But speaking of character, they don't even know me so it won't matter even if I'm a total bitch who just goes there to spite others will it?
Gek Yee was asking me how I felt about it being my last session for this year while we were walking to the MRT station after MTDC. I responded that I was upset and felt guilty not going that frequently for this semester since I had to accommodate MTDC, which is compulsory in case some people haven't realised. Jing Yin asked me countless times over the weeks why I kept going there to torture myself.
Yeah, that's a really good question. Why on earth am I constantly making myself suffer there?
I guess it's because I care and I wanna make an effort to get to know everyone and at least make up for whatever I missed out on while I was away. But the people there don't even know what I'm going through and they probably think I decided to abandon them like this other person did.
Great, just great. If only I had been more open with them, worn my heart out on my sleeves and made a great moving speech on me having to disappear for one semester because of commitments I couldn't get myself out of and not because I'm the moron they perceive me as. Yeah, as if that'll have gotten me a motivational speech.
Kept talking to my brother about this for the past few weeks. He says I antagonise them and from their perspectives I'm the one being anti-social. I guess I kinda agree, since there's no point for them to leave their comfort zone and join the loner I am since they already have their own friends.
Pfft my absence really screwed my friendship with them.
He spent like half the train ride 'chiding' me for my attitude towards gift. Lately I'm getting exasperated at constantly being told everything's my fault. No matter how much I try to get to know them (which I admit is a minuscule effort), I'd be lying if I said it was close to success. And that's what he keeps telling me to do, talk to them. But with those hostile waves the tigers are sending out, which deer would be foolish enough to willingly be their prey? He just doesn't understand me, it's not that easy and I'm sick of hearing that it's all my fault that things are terrible for me now.
And this brings me back to my previous point. I simply never take the first step. And looking at how things are now, there's zero possibility of anyone taking that first step for me anymore.
Camp.
Last December I felt excited upon hearing this word. I've a really strong feeling I intentionally screwed up my competition since I wanted to go for it. Extreme huh.
Last June I once again felt excited though a tinge of dread was there due to some complications here and there.
Now I feel apprehension, dread and nervousness when I think of it. It' exactly 2 months from today. Obviously, I can choose to go or not to go. And if I choose to go, there'd be 2 scenarios. Firstly, I'd get ignored as I already am, except it'll be worse since I have to STAY there. (Actually I can just pack my bags and leave but that's simply to ridiculous. Or I can hurt myself somehow I find a way to leave or at least be excused from activities which would leave me alone or something, but all these are simply too ridiculous and extreme so let's leave it out) Second, maybe some friendly person will turn the tables and make things awesome again.
Was reading a post a couple of months ago. Some of the gifters and I went to some outdoor place outside JP and ate macs and cake to celebrate some people's birthdays. All the positive energy emitted from that post made me feel (gosh I just erupted in tears) all torn up that things kinda suck now. What on earth did I do to make things the total opposite of how it was last time? I mean, perhaps the situation didn't change, but I did, and even then, WHAT was that thing that made me different?
I think I've a really strong idea of what it was, but it's simply too selfish of me to attribute it to these 2 people and this one event so let's save that for my monologue in my bed tonight before I sleep and hopefully no one comes in and thinks I've gone bonkers.
Someone said something a few days ago about the place and about something he didn't agree with. Guess he may not know the situation now so he won't understand but I do. Still, even then I can't deny there's a lot behind what he said and I guess I agree more with him.
I can't tell this to my family. My brother will simply scold me or something and my parents will probably drag me out of it if they find that I'm simply too upset there.
Never felt so alone before.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:07 AM
Open Up
"People won't open a closed book,
What I consumed from morning to 8pm when I reached the MRT station:
They would read a book opened for them."
Oh screw it, it's not like even if I opened the book up to the most interesting page they'd bother to read it .__.
Or is this just me simply reverting back to the pessimistic self I was hmm last December?
Perhaps, but it's not relevant is it?
-------------------------------------------
Haish morning was awesome ;DD though me and Jing Yin happily forgot about breakfast since we bought a cake to celebrate ___ but we never ate it in the end except for a small tiny slice o.o Ahaha wells so missed lunch as always and went straight to MTDC due to time constraints .__. After that rushed to gift after getting a subway cookie.
What I consumed from morning to 8pm when I reached the MRT station:
1. Orange juice
2. Thin slice of cake
3. 1 subway cookie
Honestly I should start taking better care of myself. I'd probably fall sick in no time at this rate.
Sometimes I think I'm putting in too much effort in something that is simply a waste of my efforts pfft .__.
Well on a happy note before going to gift I bumped into my NAFA theory teacher at the elevator and she remembers me and even my name despite us not seeing each other since end of 2009 ;DD Awesome haha I remember how quickly she managed to help me pass my exam (:
Well it's late already so nights (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 12:20 AM
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Zomg today xD
Went for breakfast with Jing Yin at macs in the morning, then went for obs check-up. Okay it was to last for close to an hour, or so we thought, since in the end it lasted barely 5 minutes o.o After that walked to Far East and drank bubble tea, then moved on to Ion and subsequently Plaza Sing.
And the highlight was:
Spending 30 minutes trying to find a washroom in Ion.
Yes, this is unequivocally me and Jing Yin xD
This is how awesome life is after exams (Y)
Zomg simple awesome <3
Well yeah that's all (: Tomorrow's one more day of slacking (: Tralala tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:44 PM
Friday, October 7, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Things are starting to pick up (:
Zomg it's been ages since I last blogged O: Guess that's the problem when one gets too busy with exams .__.
History paper today was kinda screwed for me since I forgot one of the skills and did it wrongly o.o and my history textbook had been rotting in my locker since forever so yeah, haha I had to rely on my own notes which were close to empty o.o Shan't say 'just my luck' or whatever, since I accept it's my fault :/
Pfft one last paper to go (:
Except that 'one last paper' is probably gonna be a killer O:
SL tomorrow. kidsREAD's getting awesomer and awesomer ;DD Really keen on continuing next year (:
Missing rgco (:
I mean, I can't deny going home early on Fridays and Tuesdays is fun but zomg I miss pracs O: Seeing the entire orchestra together and laughing and smiling, occasional crying... Haha those memories I'll hold dear when I'm an 80 year old woman reminiscing over the days when she was younger and full of smiles <3
I mean, I can't deny going home early on Fridays and Tuesdays is fun but zomg I miss pracs O: Seeing the entire orchestra together and laughing and smiling, occasional crying... Haha those memories I'll hold dear when I'm an 80 year old woman reminiscing over the days when she was younger and full of smiles <3
BUT
Dreading the continuation of ____. Poof shan't think about it, it'll ruin my mood .__.
Was crying buckets of tears when I was watching several videos on ______ just now. Zomg so so so touching that's one person who's really remarkable and worth respecting (:
Well yeah guess that's all (: tralalala tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 8:02 PM
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Feel so tempted to start ranting about someone but guess I wont.
Pfft, getting increasingly annoyed by her.
My grades are kinda at stake since I've been spending all my free time doing something else (not studying) xD AHAHA to this day (it's been one month and 3 days since it started) I still can't believe I've gotten addicted to it xD It's awesome in the sense that it keeps me happy and optimistic but, yeah, my results .__.
Well yeah, hmm that's all (:
HWAITING <3
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 2:30 PM
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Hahaha thanks ___ for trying to 'whack' my negativity out of me with her jacket (:
Guess today was fun (: Apart from the realisation that I'm really behind on my studies and exam revision, the day was funnnn hahaha ;DD
Home econs was TIRING. Was seriously rushing around around around around around pfft .__.
My mom's currently telling me and my brother about this really ridiculous and complicated show that she watched on the plane on her business trip. "Don't you think the story's fascinating?" ?!?!?!
Yesterday was RS presentation. Thank goodness it's over. Now all that's left is the report, which is just as tedious pfft .__.
Well tralalala shall go rest now can't study at home so I've given up trying to do work here already haha (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:42 PM
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
shall stay back tomorrow after school as a last desperate attempt to study.
stupid stupid stupid addiction. i can't concentrate now, and i'm supposed to be studying french after my disastrous results in controle 3, yet here i am slacking my head off .__. i honestly need a form of motivation to start working harder.
i've this strong feeling of premonition that my results won't be as good as last year's.
won't go for ____ this weekend because of a really unreasonable and selfish reason. yay for me *sarcasm*
can't believe today's my last french lesson :/ i mean, it's been really trying staying back so late on wednesdays but guess i'm still gonna miss french this year :/ french is something i like, but somehow can never get right. gosh, doesn't that pretty much describe a large portion of my entire life? .__.
shall start work NOW. (as if i can muster enough willpower too .__.) well tata~
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 9:22 PM
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
i'm now turning to a very weird source for comfort and solace, and of course, for relieving stress too. ironically, it's that one thing that's distracting me from doing what i need to do.
my french books are beckoning me to go study them. unfortunately, i'm not in the right state of mind to do anything for now. my french exams are... hmm next week? i'm pretty much screwed. the previous exam was... i honestly have to start accepting that i'm simply not a language person. i cant master languages. my french has always been screwed, my chinese has deteriorated drastically, and my english is on that track too. september has been a really rushed, stress and depressing month. all the papers i've gotten back are simply dispiriting, and all the things i do seem to be wrong.
well, of course there's that one thing mentioned above that keeping me going (: and also that one person i feel really comfortable talking about it to (:
i feel replaced. seriously. part of it's because i had this really stupid activity on ____s which led to me not being able to go for ____ and yes, of course i feel replaced by the new people there. i haven't made my mark there, i haven't contributed, i haven't made a difference. and of course, it's too late for me to return there and act as if these few months of my absence hadn't happened and that i was one of them again. that's simply ridiculous and impossible. i feel left out when i go there, i feel so alone, i feel so empty there.
i'm not going this week.
one more month till SL ends :/ i'm really keen on continuing next year (: it's really awesome being there <3 pfft if only there were holiday activities there i could take part in :/
anws back to rehearsing rs script. and the music playing through my earphones are really distracting, but ohwells, it's awesome (:
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 10:22 PM
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Haven't posted in quite a while. Several reasons. But guess today I'm gonna continue with my usual regime of ranting my thoughts in an unreasonable manner in a supposedly deserted (I doubt people visit?) blog.
Stress. RS is due soon. I love my RS groupies to the max <3 They're really nice and awesome, and I feel as though fate is to thank since we were sort of put together (: I know we're kinda behind time and all, but I just love seeing everyone working hard to pull through this last lap (:
Confusion. I have simply no idea what my genuine feelings towards ____ is. Sometimes I seriously feel irascible when I think of it, but other times I feel concerned about it :/ The past 2 months actually changed my impression of it a lot. I guess having my impression of it marred has made my priorities to me clearer, but I feel guilty when I think badly of it. Me feeling so much animosity towards it is most likely caused by me and my selfish self, but I can't help feeling that a small part of the blame should be attributed to it for ruining something beautiful for me :/ Yesterday I had the choice to go there or to stay and finish some random work, and in the end I stayed. If I had to make the decision a few months ago, I would've gone there in a heartbeat, san hesiter. But I guess things change, and now I know I definitely cannot see it as the perfect place as I did in the beginning of this year anymore.
Confusion. I have simply no idea what my genuine feelings towards ____ is. Sometimes I seriously feel irascible when I think of it, but other times I feel concerned about it :/ The past 2 months actually changed my impression of it a lot. I guess having my impression of it marred has made my priorities to me clearer, but I feel guilty when I think badly of it. Me feeling so much animosity towards it is most likely caused by me and my selfish self, but I can't help feeling that a small part of the blame should be attributed to it for ruining something beautiful for me :/ Yesterday I had the choice to go there or to stay and finish some random work, and in the end I stayed. If I had to make the decision a few months ago, I would've gone there in a heartbeat, san hesiter. But I guess things change, and now I know I definitely cannot see it as the perfect place as I did in the beginning of this year anymore.
Well that's all I have time for now. Dinner. Byes.
SUCHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD~ 7:58 PM